last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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