those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
