at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
