Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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