Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
ttyl tear gas
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
