Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.