I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
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