the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.