I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
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And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
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Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?