Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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