cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
