Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
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Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument