At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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