apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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