Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
