That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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