What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
