I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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