I just threw up on my dentist
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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