He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Help. Why am I so naked?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
