There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
