I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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