i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
