Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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