I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
