I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
