I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
