If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I know her cup size but not her name....
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