No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
