Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My vagina is officially offended.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
please don't ironically join a cult
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