i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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