note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
