If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
