he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
