At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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