I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
