I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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