I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo