its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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