Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
