ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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