I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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