You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
