Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
