we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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