I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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