Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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