so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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