Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
