Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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