Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
God I need to hump something, right now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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