Betty ford says i'm here all night
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
