He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
