Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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