A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
