Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
