i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
