Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
