No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
