Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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