i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
it's like heaven, but drunker
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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